I'm in a really strange place in my life at the moment. It stems, in a way, from the panic last Sunday when I binned 'Semicentennial' and 'Nephelokokkygia', although the roots of the way I'm feeling go back quite a lot further than that - say about 12 months, because any further than that would constitute arrant navel-gazing. In a nutshell, I'm almost feeling as though, even though it would constitute 'the end of the world as we know it', that I want to be 'caught', I want my wife, in particular, to find out about me and my predilections, I want it all to come out into the open, that I'm just so fed up of living in hiding. But then I think, what would I gain? What would I lose? Then the cowardice sets in, the fear of potentially having the whole edifice of my 'normal' life come crashing down, the family, the home, the air of acceptance and 'respectability', probably my job, because if my work colleagues got to hear about the 'paedo' in their midst, they'd doubtless refuse to work with me, the whole idea of it is almost terrifying. And what would I gain as recompense for all that loss? Nothing. There is no conceivable real-world mechanism for acquiring the sort of relationship I want. It might happen in stories on 'Nifty' and the like, but real life boys don't fall at the feet of fat, middle-aged blokes, why the hell should they? Even if some hypothetical boy wanted a relationship with an older man, there are millions of far more eligible candidates than me. So what other possible motivation could I have for some kind of suicidal outburst of honesty? Do I want my marriage, my family life to end? I would say not, if I was asked, but maybe there is some 'midlife crisis' kind of scenario going on in my head, whereby I think I would be better off making a fresh start. But, as I said, what would that 'fresh start' consist of? Me going back to where I was in my twenties, living in crappy bedsits, going nowhere much except work, assuming I could get a job, with the possible added 'attraction' of the internet, which wasn't around in the 1980's. It's as though I'm trying to press two magnetic north poles together, what I've got now and what I want are just mutually exclusive. The only imaginable scenario for my having sex with a boy is for me to pay for it, but sex isn't the prime motivation, unbelievable as it may seem. In the same way that I waited until I found someone to 'love me back' in the case of my wife, and was lucky enough to persuade her to marry me, I would only want a reciprocal kind of relationship with a boy, and it's just not going to happen. Ever. Get over it.
Sorry, everyone.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Wow! These really are dangerous, self-destructive thoughts you are having. From where I sit, you really do seem to have it made right now. You've got your job turmoil happening right now, with the upcoming changes to occur, but in time that will become stable. You've spoken of a less than ideal financial situation, but that seems manageable too. What you are suggesting here is a total, catastrophic destruction of what seems like a pretty good life to me.
ReplyDeleteYou are going to have to push these thoughts somewhere back in a deep recess in your mind where they won't bother you. I would think that you are aggravating the situation with your Internet browsing of the young boys blogs, the reading of the Nifty stories, etc. Would it not be better for your personal situation if you were to find another outlet for your leisure time? I know it can tend to be expensive but perhaps some confidential professional therapy would be helpful.
Your daughter is in an important period in her life now. She will quickly age and grow and eventually be mostly out of your life. For the next four years or so perhaps you can become more involved in her life, channeling more of your energy into being her father.
Your wife also could probably use more of your energy being used to strengthen your relationship. Find more things to do together that you both enjoy.
You have such a better situation now than you would have if you were alone. Don't throw away the good things you now have on a quest toward what really is impossible. You must find a way to suppress these longings you have for what can never be.
Hi there, Sammy
ReplyDeleteI think I understand at least some of how you're feeling, because your description seems to echo a lot of my frame of mind before I came out. Unfortunately, and as you're very well aware, there's a big difference between our situations: being a gay man in Britain now has a reasonable degree of social acceptability. Nevertheless, I well remember the clash between the desire to be honest with the world, and the fear of the consequences of doing so.
I think your analysis is sound: you have almost nothing to gain, and almost everything to lose, by coming out. And as much as it saddens me to have to say it, I would encourage you to stay "in the closet". How you best go about it, I'm not sure - I think Brian has given some good advice, and focussing your energy away from the "danger zone" sounds like a sensible approach to me.
*hugs*
Mark
Hello Brian and Mark
ReplyDeleteThank you both for your care, concern and constructive comments. There's a long (sorry!) blog post coming shortly - I spent quite a few hours thinking about things at work this morning, and I think I've come to a clearer place in my mind, at least. As always, I really value your feedback.
((Hugs))
Love & best wishes
Sammy B