Contemplations

There have been a few issues I've been thinking about recently. and this post, hopefully, will be a distillation of those thoughts.
I saw a comment on a message board (I forget exactly where, but it may have been Iomfats), a few months ago now, which I've returned to in my mind on a number of occasions. The comment, in essence, said that if you ever think you might be gay, you probably are, the implication being that there is such a degree of discrimination and hostility in so many places that anyone who wasn't gay wouldn't even allow themselves to think about putting themselves into such a position. I don't really agree with such a black and white kind of assessment, because, without wishing to trivialise the argument, people often have mixed feelings and have to make choices about other aspects of their lifestyle - for instance, I drank very little wine until about 10 years ago, but I now drink it on a regular basis - so why should sexual orientation be written in the proverbial tablets of stone? Related to that issue, I read a series of comments on a blog post a few days ago (sadly, once again, I can't remember which blog) which became quite a heated argument between two individuals about whether bisexuality actually exists, or whether people who identify themselves as bisexual are simply gays who are afraid to commit to their true nature. Given that I self-identify as bisexual, albeit in a different way to the person who was upholding the 'bi' side of the issue in the discussion, it's a distinction that concerns me. I would say that I've gone through stages in my life where what I would consider to be my primary sexual attraction has changed. At 15, I thought I might be gay, in the way the term is customarily used, but was very uncertain and conflicted, at 25 I was primarily attracted to boys, at 35 and 45, I considered myself to be primarily straight, albeit with a 'window-shopping' eye for an attractive boy, while now, I've returned to boys as my primary sexual attraction, while still considering myself to be relatively happily married (although, as I've said before, I doubt that would continue for very long if my wife became aware of my 'hidden' side). Perhaps all that says about me is that I'm either indecisive, or just a selfish hedonist wanting the best of all worlds.
The other issue I've been thinking about over the last few days, unsurprisingly given recent events, is trust, especially as it applies to cyberspace. Even in face-to-face interactions between people, there's the potential to deceive others, whether by exaggeration, embellishment or outright dishonesty, although, to some extent, that potential is mitigated by the operation of non-verbal communication, body language, tones of voice and so on. I'm terrible at lying, and have been since childhood, always seeming to be caught out, so the only mechanism I can use if I want to be less than brutally honest is, if I might call it this, 'selective truth', telling someone as much of the truth as you want them to know, and no more. Online, however, the people I communicate with only know me through my blogs and e-mails, and I only know them in the same way. The potential for deception is, self-evidently, greatly enhanced in this situation - you can, effectively, make yourself into whoever you want to be, within reason - it would obviously be easily discovered if I tried to pass myself off as some publicly known figure, for instance - but I've decided to be honest about myself, as far as I can while using a pseudonym and a blog-specific e-mail address. Having said that, I'm still only telling a part of my truth, and I choose which parts I reveal and conceal, and for what reasons. In addition, I'm well aware that anyone reading this has only got my word that I'm being honest, so it tends to become rather a circular argument. On the whole, though, I still prefer to assume that most of the people in most of the blogs that I read, and those who comment on them, are basically telling the truth and expressing their honest opinions, unless I find compelling evidence to the contrary. After all, if we bloggers and readers spend all our time mistrusting and disbelieving each other, what's the point in any of us carrying on?

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B