Being me

This is something of a follow-on from yesterday's post, with thoughts that have arisen from what I said then, and from the comments that it elicited. What I'm going to say is purely from a personal perspective, and not intended in any way as any sort of criticism of those who were kind enough to comment on yesterday's post, or other similar posts I've made in the past. I value the feedback I receive through my blog, and, in practical terms, the comments on yesterday's post elucidate the only realistic path I can follow, to stay in hiding and do my best to look after my family. This post is, in a way, a theoretical take on the issues that I face.
The first thing I want to say is that my sexual orientation isn't something I've chosen. I would have to be insane to choose to be a boylover, given the hysterical levels of opprobrium people like me attract. I don't think it's too much of an exaggeration to say that there are many, often otherwise tolerant, people out there who would quite happily see all boylovers dead, or at least locked up with no prospect of release. For whatever reason, it just seems to be an issue that many are incapable of thinking about rationally. Boylover = evil, child molesting pervert, no other view permissible. Well, I would like to put forward a couple of counter-arguments to that 'tablet of stone' opinion. Firstly, and I can only speak for myself in this, I'm not in the slightest bit interested in any non-consensual relationship, with anyone, of any age or gender. Which leads on to the second issue - what constitutes consent? I'm well aware of the legal position, that 15 years 364 days leads to a lifetime as a sex offender, whereas, magically, the next day doesn't, which just, to me, illustrates the illogicality of fixed age limits, not only for sexual consent, but for anything at all. It's a 'one size fits all' approach which doesn't appear to me to fit anyone. In my ideal world, age limits would be assigned individually, according to the physical, emotional and practical maturity of each person, whether for driving a car, buying alcohol, having sex, or whatever else. I know this isn't a practical option, both in terms of bureaucracy and of who would decide the applicable criteria. There isn't even anything approaching consistency between different jurisdictions - the age of consent in the various European countries ranges between 13 and 18 - so there's already a lot of grey areas in who can give consent and in what circumstances without adding individual variations, but it still seems to me that natural justice would best be served by taking the individual into account.
Leaving aside the legalistic, however, what's my take on the ethical aspects of being attracted to people under the age of consent? As I said earlier, I'm not interested in forcing my attentions on anyone - quite apart from thinking of the welfare of any potential 'victim', my own self-esteem, always fragile at best, wouldn't survive any thought that I'd hurt someone, physically or emotionally, in such circumstances. For me to even embark on a platonic friendship with a younger person, much less a physical relationship, I'd need to be absolutely convinced that it was genuinely and unambiguously what that person wanted. I made a huge mistake once before in my life by misinterpreting messages from a younger person, and was only prevented from doing something very damaging by what I consider to be sheer luck, as those who've read my blog for a while will be aware, and I have absolutely no ambition to find myself in that kind of situation again. What that means in practical terms is that the already very low probability of my becoming involved with a boy is reduced still further, but I feel I have to be honest, and being honest I would never say never - I can envisage scenarios where I could have a relationship with a boy, but they're all very unlikely, given my age and physical unattractiveness, so the chances of anything happening beyond the realms of fantasy are, to all intents and purposes, nil. If, however, one of those scenarios was to come about, and I was absolutely convinced of mutuality, I wouldn't consider it immoral for me to become involved. I know that many, if not most people wouldn't agree with me, but, as I stated at the outset, this is purely a statement of my personal views.
So, I stay in my deep, dark closet for the foreseeable future, and make the best of the, admittedly, reasonably favourable life circumstances in which I find myself, but, all the while, with the knowledge that in doing so, I'm not able to truly be me.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B