Just when I get through one trough and start scrabbling my way up the other side, I read another blog post from someone who was on the 'receiving end' of what I want, and who has been so damaged by it. It makes me feel like an abuser just for thinking, for fantasising about it. I wish I had another head I could go and live in sometimes. Instead, I have to carry on being me, with all the demons along for the ride. Should I feel guilty for being who I am? Who else can I be but myself, ultimately?
There are more thoughts going through my mind, but I suspect there's a lot of self-pity involved, and I'm out of time, anyway. I need to put on my mask of 'normality' and go and face the world.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Sammy... Life is far too complicated to try to simplify by lumping everyone into categories, even tho I'm sure that gives comfort to some who bridge these difficult topics with a veneer of simplicity and thoughtless judgement.
ReplyDeleteI have no doubt that many children are victimized every day by that irrational approach which drives people underground for sheer survival... Some of those people eventually reach a boiling point in their lives, IMHO, where the frustration and alienation overwhelms them, and they act out in various ways, some destructive to themselves and some dangerous to others.
Somewhere in the middle of this dilemma are real, caring and genuinely searching human beings and while it is always easier to demonize them, it does nothing for the lonely kid who is looking for love (albeit, most times of the paternal type) or the potential offender who is trying to repress one of the most irrepressible of human urges...
Understanding and an acknowledgement that people are born with certain hard wiring and that their choices are really not so simple, would open a more useful dialogue. The boogeyman is not around every corner. But, I think society is actually creating it's boogeymen in these areas... Hell, it's only recently that I felt safe enough to share a basic truth about my sexuality with people that mean so much to me. My despair as a child came from the awful feeling that I was broken, and the abuse I suffered at first confirmed that in my young mind. It was only through scholarship and faith that I finally made sense of it, but it was a very treacherous journey...
You seem like a thoughtful and disciplined person to me, Sammy... I don't think you want to hurt anyone. I don't believe that it's in your nature... I think you should find a support group that you can share your thoughts with, and try to come to terms with your feelings of alienation... It might be the start of a more positive way of living, instead of the rollercoaster of self- doubt that you find yourself on. I wish you well and hope your journey is loving and successful. luv, tman<3
Hello Tony
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind and caring words. I am reasonably well balanced a lot of the time, but because I've been close in the past to doing things I shouldn't, reading the testimony of those who've been hurt by people very similar to me seems to make me feel guilty by association, however illogical that might be. Most of the time, I would agree with your assessment that I wouldn't want to hurt anyone, certainly not physically, but all the while I know that there's the potential in me to do damage, even if inadvertently. I am who I am, and I know that self better, self-evidently, than anyone else. I hope I could maintain self-discipline in the face of temptation, but I'd be lying if I said I could guarantee to do so. There are no easy answers or easy options for me, and no reason why I should expect any. The best I can do is to try and avoid hurting anyone, but whether I can achieve that aim remains to be seen.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
I can't amplify tman's wise words, but I can tell you that you are not the only one who has those same thoughts and tries so hard to keep them in check, lest you hurt the very ones you love.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
ReplyDeleteI know there are many others besides me who have the same demons to contend with. As I said to Tony, I really want to avoid hurting anyone - I hope I can achieve that aim.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B