Resolution?

I started this post as the idea for a story in 'Cuckoos', but, on reflection after writing the first paragraph and a half, it's pure autobiography, no fictional element at all. So it's going to be posted here instead.

I've only ever stuck to one New Year's resolution in my life, the one I made twenty-odd years ago never to make another New Year's resolution. The turn of the year is, though, sometimes an opportunity for an assessment of where you are in your life, and what might be remediable. And when you've been living a lie as long as I have, there is plenty that needs remediation.

I could say I don't know how I got myself into such a situation, but that wouldn't really be truthful. It was a combination of not wanting to fall short of the expectations of others, pressure to conform, and, in all honesty, fear. I was frightened to be myself, to be honest about what I wanted, about who I am. I still am, really. So I've drifted, almost by default, into a life where I haven't a hope of getting what I really want, but because my heart isn't really 100% into where I find myself, that tends to feed feelings of frustration and discontent, which, in turn, can lead to me not being as good a husband as I should be, despite the fact, and I'm well aware that I lay myself open to charges of hypocrisy, that I do love my wife, and don't want her to be hurt.
So, once again I reach that point of impasse, when I try to think of some way of resolving the dilemma. The easy way, the path of least resistance, is to keep my head down and just stay as I am. It's not as if there's anyone else in my life that has any prospect of being an alternative 'significant other', and no realistic way of anyone coming into the picture who would be a candidate for such a dubious honour. This isn't a common or garden adultery situation - if anything, it would probably be less complicated if it was. If I take that easy way, though, it presents two problems - there's the possibility of my accidentally being 'outed' in some way, which isn't a negligible consideration, because, after all, that's what happened with my daughter last summer, but even if I'm not, I still have to live with the knowledge that, every day, I'm deceiving the person that I'm married to. But what else is there to do? If I choose to be honest, I'm as certain as I can be that the marriage would be over, given my wife's expressed attitudes towards the issue of what she would doubtless call 'paedophilia', even if I would beg to differ over the terminology. Who would gain is, I suppose, the question to ask. I might gain some self-respect, but lose a home and family, while my wife and daughter would lose a good part of the stability in their lives. Put in those terms, my decision might seem clear-cut - would that it was so straightforward in reality.
Resolution? The only conclusion I can reach is that there is no prospect of a resolution in present circumstances, or at least, no resolution which would suit everyone. As usual, no doubt, I'll vacillate, do nothing and thereby perpetuate a situation which, in an ideal world, shouldn't be allowed to drag on. Just because the old year has gone, it doesn't mean that the old problems have gone with it.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B