OK - I'm going to try and be as dispassionate and non-'woe-is-me' as possible about all of this. If I'd written this post yesterday, it would've been much more emotional, but I'm still in a difficult place, both in terms of what's happened and in what I'm going to do about it.
Yesterday morning, in the midst of a desperately busy phase of my shift at work, I made a mistake that could, easily, have led to someone being killed. As it transpired, nothing happened beyond someone being badly shaken, but the knowledge that a person could have died because of me upset me enormously. I've written before about my job being 'safety-critical', but until something like this happens, that phrase is merely words. It's more than words now, and no mistake. Needless to say, I was relieved of duty, and suspended, but all of that was more or less irrelevant - there's nothing anyone in authority could have said that would have been more critical of me than I was of myself. I have, as anyone who has read my blog to any extent will know, serious problems with self-esteem, for various reasons, but the one area of my life I've always felt confident and in control is in my work. As things stand at the moment, that confidence has gone.
I came back home last night, but I had a call from my manager earlier telling me he wants to see me tomorrow afternoon, so I'm in for another long day trip. What I'm going to tell him is a moot point. My instinct is to say I'm not going back, but that path has the potential for all sorts of 'collateral damage' consequences. If I give my job up, we're pretty much instantaneously bankrupt, so the house goes. If the house goes, and there is real evidence for me saying this beyond self-pity, my marriage would be in serious jeopardy. If that goes, given the propensity of the legal system to favour the maternal over the paternal, I might well lose my daughter, too. I'm really feeling pretty lost just now. This is all my fault, but it still makes me wonder how much further I've got to fall, and how many more blows I can deal with.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
We all have lapses in our judgement or concentration now and then, I'm the first one to admit that. Whenever it happens it's indeed damn scary. For me an incident or close call at work is a good (and obviously needed) wakeup call and reality check. I have been in situations when I have found myself thinking "Now I'm going to die", luckily so far I've been wrong though... but I have learned my lesson and I'm more careful nowadays.
ReplyDeleteHang in there!
Love
Daniel
I'm having a hard time imagining what your job might be that can involve such a risk to human life. Whatever it is, I'm sorry this happened and that you once again find yourself having to face management about a mistake you've made.
ReplyDeleteThe consequences of you losing your job do sound dire indeed, I sure hope you don't have to face them. Don't be giving up without a fight. See what the manager has to say and just deal with things as they happen, one by one. There is probably a reasonable way to deal with this and carry on.
Good luck!
Hello Daniel
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to be as rational as I can about this, but there's a lot of emotion involved, too. It was a simple mistake - I was in the middle of setting up a safe zone, got distracted by something else I needed to do more immediately, and didn't go back and finish the first job - but it could have had such dire consequences. It's all the more difficult for me to cope with because of the fact that I've had such a good record in the past. I'm trying to react in the right way now, but what's right for me and what's right for my family, my employers, the world at large are not necessarily the same. Thanks for your support.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hello Brian
ReplyDeleteI've never said exactly what I do for a living, because it would have been too much of a giveaway to my identity, especially when I was working in Cornwall, but suffice it to say that it's very safety-oriented, and I have the potential to do a lot of harm to a lot of people if I get it wrong. Only one person was in jeopardy yesterday, but one is one too many as far as I'm concerned. As I said in the post, my manager's attitude isn't really that relevant in this situation, apart from the fact that he could sack me if he thinks that is the appropriate course of action - what's more significant is whether I can trust myself to go back and do the job again. That is yet to be determined.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
All I can say Sammy, is do your best and carefully consider your options. Everyone makes mistakes, even in safety-critical jobs. No one was hurt, and that, I guess, is the most important thing. Good luck with the boss.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
ReplyDeleteMaybe by the time I get back home, in 12 hours or so, things will have become clearer. Thanks for taking the time to comment at such a difficult time for you.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B