An hour, ninety minutes ago, there was a serious rant writing itself in my head. Nearly all of it was self-pity, if I'm being honest, but at least there was some fight in me, some impetus to kick back against the world, those who would deny me any prospect of love and affection, of the kind that I feel is right for me. But, after an hour of sitting in traffic queues on the top deck of a London bus, all of that spirit has evaporated, the hopelessness and helplessness of my situation seems overwhelming once more. It's like being buried alive, with just enough air left to exist, but not enough to live. People often talk about 'the benefit of hindsight', but if I'd known, on the sunny Spring day in 1972 when I first remember myself being entranced by a beautiful boy, even though I didn't fully understand then what that entrancement meant, if I'd known how my life was going to be, I'd have gone straight home and slashed my wrists there and then.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Please Sammy, don't do anything rash. I do wish maybe you'd look for someone, a professional, to talk to, if about nothing else but the constant melancholy and feelings of hopelessness. This is called "depression" and can be helped, even when you don't think the source of it can be "cured".
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteThings sometimes look bleak, and then, as per the next post, something else can happen that makes life look rather brighter. On the whole, though, the sentiment expressed in the last sentence of the post is a genuine one - if I'd known how difficult it was all going to be, I really wouldn't have wanted to go through with it.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B