I don't seem to have much to say at the moment, and I don't seem to have any more impulsion to action. Not for the first time, I'm going through the motions, going to work, coming back, going for another blood test at the hospital this afternoon, reading one of my draft stories last night, purporting, to myself at least, that I might get back into it again, pretending to be part of the human race, but feeling, deep down, that I'm going to fall into the abyss that opened up in front of me in that Manchester pub ten days or so ago. J still jumps into my mind on an all too regular basis - not in any salacious way, but simply in the sense of reliving those few short hours, that little oasis of delight that he represented, before the darkness that is the 'real' me, at least potentially, swallowed all the light he'd engendered, and left me in this - this what? I was going to say 'limbo', but that suggests that there might be a definite way out, be it good or bad. This is more like a quicksand of 'Never', inescapable, implacably dragging me down. No-one's fault but mine, of course. But still so difficult to deal with.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Sammy, I am soo, soo sorry this all happened. I hope you are able to move past it, the consequences notwithstanding. So far, none beyond your self-loathing. And this is totally inconsequential.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteI regret a lot of things, the mistakes, the terrible decisions I've made, especially those which have hurt others, but they're all things of the past, unreachable, unchangeable. All those wrong choices, though, add to the self-loathing, whether there are other consequences or not. And add to the knowledge that 'never' is the only word that properly describes my future.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B