Things

A year, fifteen months ago, there was quite a lot of discussion between my ex and I about what, if anything, I was going to take of the contents of our former family home. In the event, I took very little, losing, give or take, 95% of everything I owned, most notably hundreds and hundreds of books. I wasn't overly concerned at the time, and I'm not now, except in so far as K has been deprived of what could have been a pretty substantial library, but there are a few things I regret having left behind - my DVD of Another Country, all of my virtually complete set of Nabokov's novels, and my prize for having been a series winner on a TV quiz programme, well-known and popular in its time, amongst the most significant. I salvaged a few things, though, including the item that started this train of thought, a crystal wine glass, currently containing some Australian Chardonnay which was on special offer when I went shopping this afternoon, and which was originally one of a set of six given to us as an engagement present, although only two were left by the time of the split - symbolically, I guess, I took one and left one for my ex, even though she virtually never drinks wine and never has. It's a nice thing, not wildly expensive - I could probably find a replacement for a few pounds if I ever happen to break it - but it is, as they say, of 'sentimental value'. Ultimately, though, it's the 'people things' that are the greatest loss, far outweighing any material possessions, twenty-odd years of loving and caring, laughter and tears, sharing my life with another. When, as I was thinking on the way back from work earlier, I've lost my best friend, too, it's all pretty bleak. The greatest loss in that case is trust - we've always been there for each other, even if only at the end of a telephone - but, even if he got in touch and made peace overtures, something I've absolutely no expectation will actually happen, that bond, the sense of having someone who knows you will listen if they want to talk, and vice versa, is, in the wake of things that were said, and later texted, over that Mancunian weekend, gone forever. The love, despite everything, is still there on my part, but that doesn't change anything. All gone, smashed to pieces. Like most of my life.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B