Who knows what I was expecting?

But, predictably, I achieved nothing. I've been thinking, over the past couple of days, about whether I could possibly try to get involved in any sort of gay 'social scene' stuff, and had done a little bit of online research to that end. Having walked past a couple of apparently well-known gay bars in town at lunchtime - lunchtime, when they were almost empty! - and still not been able to rustle up the courage to go in, I think the answer to my rhetorical question is a resounding 'no'. It's like the gay group that meets, in seemingly very informal circumstances, in 'domicile-ville' once a month, barely fifteen minutes walk from where I live - I thought about trying that well over a year ago, but the idea of just walking in is terrifying in itself, never mind anything close to an exposition of the realities. I can just imagine how an 'introduce yourself' conversation that went along the lines of 'I've known I was gay since I was 12, but I've never fancied a man in my life' would go down. It's another of those irreconcilable dichotomies in my life - if I don't make the effort, I'm never going to meet anyone, even on a 'friends' level, but if I do put myself 'out there', I'm either going to have to lie, or hide, and I've done quite enough of that in my life, or expect bucketloads of opprobrium to rain down on me. The phrase 'no-win situation', at the risk of being accused of self-pity, seems to have been written with my life in mind.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B