I'm not sure how long I can carry on like this, succumbing to hammer bangs of panic in my head almost every time I'm insufficiently distracted by my doings. Maybe nothing will happen, but he could do what he threatened to do, to destroy my life, if he chose to. And it's the not knowing, not being able to say whether it's going to be nothing or everything, that's left me in this nightmarish morass of, frankly, fear. There's no-one to blame but myself for being in this situation, but it was a much younger, much more immature self that made those mistakes. No excuse, but simply an explanation - I was 20, 21, going on about 11. I couldn't cope with who I was, as he rightly said the other week, and he was caught in the crossfire. I just wanted someone to love me back, but I was asking something of him that he wasn't able to give. Would that I could reach back and change the past, but that's obviously impossible. And so my life is in his hands. The hands of someone who now hates me.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
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