I've been debating with myself whether to post this or not for nearly an hour. There's nothing really new in it, apart, perhaps, from a streak of desperation, amplified by being on my own, probably, and allowing my thoughts to circle around and around the issue.
I want a boy.
I want it more, almost, than I can express in words.
I know it can't happen.
And so along the same pointless, soul-destroying track, again and again.
I don't know how long it will be before something breaks, but when it does, it will probably implode rather than explode. There's no reason why anyone else should be damaged by my desire. No-one deserves to be hurt by me, except me.
Sorry, yet again.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Self control...one blogger is now doing a lot of years by giving in...
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
It has been a given for me to live with sexual attractions I cannot hope to satisfy. That desire rises to become close to overwhelming when other things are going wrong in my life. Things which challenge my sense of well-being in different ways: work, lonliness, just the prospects of life in general.
ReplyDeleteThat is stuff you can deal with. Not easily, I know, but direct your energies there. To your relationships with your wife and daughter, to making work sufferable, to deciding the general direction of your future path in life. Then boys can simply become a pleasant distraction again.
PS not even the Saints are giving you much joy :( Though I'm sure they will start winning soon, they are too good not to. What a wonderful day it was yesterday at the MCG for Anzac Day. A great win, a beautiful sunny day and heaps of cute guys in the crowd!
Hello Jay
ReplyDeleteI know all about self-control, I've been there for the last 35-odd years. It doesn't mean I have to enjoy it, though.
If you're referring to the blogger I think you are, he was in a position of trust with access to children, which I'm certainly not. If I was being a complete cynic, I might say that he may as well have murdered the child, because he probably have received a lesser sentence. Not that I'm condoning what he did, but there seem to be some mixed up priorities around, in my country as well as yours.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hello Billy
ReplyDeleteIt strikes me that there's quite a bit in common between being a boylover and being a Saints fan - they're both pursuits only suitable for a masochist, albeit one with a tiny glimmer of optimism that things might all fall into place one day. Sometime, never, is much more probable, though.
More seriously, however, I know I'm far from being unique, and, most of the time, I can find coping mechanisms. The occasional bad day, like yesterday, can almost surmount the defences, as you suggest. As long as it's only almost....
Love & best wishes
Sammy B