Prevarication

There are times when I frustrate myself, never mind how anyone else might feel about me. I set a goal this week of getting some proper accommodation sorted out to fit in with my job, but, so far at least, I haven't done all that much about it. Part of the reason has been early shift and its draining effects - I felt pretty ropey this afternoon, came back to the place where I'm staying and eventually fell asleep again - but that's not the whole story. I've found a couple of small ads in a newsagents' window in the area of London where I work, and took down some of the contact details, but I haven't yet followed any of them up. Why? Basically because I can't get over my lack of self-confidence in dealing with people. It's ironic, really, because in my job, I'm expected to be decisive and take the lead in situations, and I really have no trouble in doing just that, but when it comes to pretty much anything else, I'm outside my comfort zone and find it difficult, and seemingly increasingly difficult as I get older, to cope. As far as I can work it out in my head, it comes down to an almost pathological fear of making a fool of myself, and what people will think of me as a consequence. In saying what I've just said, I've doubtless already made myself look stupid, but the pseudonymity of cyberspace acts as a coping mechanism - if I'd had to stand up in front of a real life audience, even an audience of one, and make the same admission, I doubt I'd have been able to do it. Do intelligence and self-consciousness go together? Probably, at least in my case.
There has been one substantial piece of good news today, though, in the discovery of the return of a blogger who's particularly close to my heart (Thank you, Mark). I'll say no more than that, because I don't think the person concerned is too wildly keen on being over-publicised, but anyone who's read my blog for any length of time will doubtless know who I'm referring to.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B