Eighteen hours, four minutes, and I still can't work out why

That's how long I was away from home to work my one-off night shift, and that was only because I borrowed my wife's car - if I'd used the train, as originally intended, I'd still have been travelling now. And for what? More of the same, ad nauseum. I've read the comments that people have kindly taken the trouble to write. I'll try to answer them with something sensible. If I can work out if there is anything sensible to say.
I've also read a few things arising from one of the comments. I may not have fallen quite so far  - yet - but the mindset is certainly recognisable. If I can't find an answer to the 'Why?' question that convinces myself....I don't know where the next step will lead.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B