I'm very tired, so maybe I'm more susceptible just now, but I've just read something that has, again, made me feel completely worthless. The word 'monster' was used. If I pursue my desires, or even if I just carry on wanting what I want, people could call me that. And maybe it would be justified. It could be time to let go, let the flood wash over me. Then I wouldn't be able to hurt anyone.
And nobody would have to call me a monster.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
You are only a monster if you act like one. If you don't, you aren't.
ReplyDeleteSammy;
ReplyDeleteI love to read "fantasy" novels. They have the license to speak on things that current reality would make difficult. One thing I noticed in this current novel is how the two sides of a war have their own heros. I guess the irony is that the hero to one side is the monster to other.
When you shave in the morning, do you look into the mirror? Do you like what you see? I guess for me that is the mark of what I do and how I act. I have to look at myself, and as long as I can do that with fair reality, then what others say is really irrelevent. They have no care other than their own, and many of one's retracters have difficulty shaving for thier own mirror's proclamations.
Be strong and well, my friend, and listen to Brian (above).
hugs;
randy.
Like Brian said.
ReplyDeleteI guess since I've publicly identified as gay for 30 years it has inured me to the prejudice of the ignorant. Yes, they would hate you if they new what was in your mind. But that says more about how their beliefs have been trained by the current climate of moral panic than it does say anything about you. Ignore them, and it remains their problem, not yours.
On a lighter note, I am looking forward to going to the footy on Friday night under the roof at Etihad. Let's see how far the Saints have actually come over the last few weeks!
Hello Brian, Randy & Billy
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your empathetic comments. The problem is, though, that I know what's behind the face in the mirror, the potential to harm, only held in check by a dam of self-control of unknown solidity. When you know that you've come as close as I have to raping, or at the very least molesting, an 11 year old boy, albeit a long time ago, only being saved from myself by the courage and magnanimity of the boy himself, and then you read the sort of blog post I read last night, it drags all the inner demons out into the light. The problem here isn't so much what the world thinks of me, but what I think of myself, and how I can live with those thoughts.
Billy - We've improved markedly, but the 'eight' is the best we can hope for this year, I think - I still think we'll struggle against the very best. I wouldn't mind being proved wrong, though!
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
I think your dam is a lot more solid than you think, else you'd have acted on your desires by now. As you have previously pointed out, we do not have thought police in our societies, not that some clowns don't want them. So be secure in your thoughts, and don't let the people who can't separate fact from fantasy get to you.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
ReplyDeleteIt's not 'people' that are the issue here, I'm afraid, it's a singular person - me - and how I deal with, come to terms with, that person. Because, even today, on the train back from work, there was a boy, 12, maybe 13 at the oldest, who, even after how rotten I felt about myself last night, I couldn't keep my eyes off of. Yes, just thoughts, and easy to maintain self-control on a busy train, but in a different set of circumstances? I really don't know.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Sammy
ReplyDeleteYou are not a monster. Whatever you desire, I do not think you are capable of deliberately harming anyone against their will.
In any case, though your sexuality is part of you, it does not define you: there are many other aspects, at least equally important. You are a loving husband and father. You are diligent and painstaking at work, in an important, safety-critical role (last month's incident notwithstanding). In blog-land, you are a thoughtful and supportive commenter on others' blogs. In short, you're a decent human being.
Take care
Mark
Hello Mark
ReplyDeleteWelcome back, I hope you had a good holiday.
I'd like to think what you say is true, but there's always the doubt and fear there in my mind, the knowledge of the potential to lose control, if the wrong combination of circumstances prevailed. Hopefully that 'perfect storm' will never engulf me, but I'd be lying if I said I could guarantee that.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hallo Sammy
ReplyDeleteNobody is perfect. But I think if you have survived well over the past 20 years in your younger life that you can also master the more sedate life stage well.
A hint - do you know the book by Edward Brongersma: The proscribed gender (Lichtenberg / Munich 1970)
Nikki
Guten Tag Nikki
ReplyDeleteI can but try, as best I can in my thoroughly imperfect state. I have heard of Brongersma, but not that particular book. I'll have to do some research.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B