Downswung

A disclaimer - this post isn't going to be a happy place. Mind you, if I'd written it last night, as I'd originally intended, it probably would've been even more downbeat, so maybe I'm past the lowest point of this particular dip.
I've been struggling a little for the past few days, once more wondering what the point is of doing what I do, the 'keeping on keeping on' thing, but the catalyst for my being quite so low was a phone call I made during my break at work yesterday evening. I was supposed to be spending next Thursday with my daughter, a whole 24 hours - when her visit was first mooted, a few weeks back, I commented, lightheartedly at the time, that such a prospect was too good to be true, and it now seems that my words were prophetic, because it almost certainly isn't going to happen now. She told me last night that her plans have changed, partly because the YouTuber gathering she wants to go to is on Saturday and Sunday rather than Friday and Saturday, as she'd originally thought, but also because next Thursday is the day her boyfriend's exam results are published, and it seems that she'd rather be by his side on that day. It doubtless makes me sound childishly selfish and needy that I was so disappointed by her shifted priorities, but that day next week was the only opportunity, in all probability, of my spending 'quality time' with her during the whole six week school holiday, between her schedule, and my work. I'll still see her, more or less in passing, at the weekend, because she'll be staying with me, but I'll be working both days, and she'll be at her gathering, so there will be precious little time together.
So, what am I doing any of it for? I've been looking into the options around moving up to London, but what for? I'll be just as alone and isolated there as I am here, 25 miles out into Surrey, and, on the evidence of what I've seen in terms of rental costs, alone at double the price. And still, of course, swallowing all these pills to keep me alive long enough to swallow the next lot of pills. It's pretty much the epitome of pointlessness. What's in it for me? More of the same nothingness, as far as the eye can see. When you've lost more or less everything, what more is there to lose? The little you have left, seemingly.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B