Given the things I've written about in this blog, the admissions I've made about myself and my predilections, it might be thought that there wouldn't be much I'd fight shy of saying. That isn't always the case, though. I had a post framed in my mind yesterday, prompted by a brief encounter with a group of boys on a bus - and no, it wasn't centred around group sex, or anything at all salacious, but about attitudes to life, about aspirations - but I couldn't bring myself to post it. What wasn't initially clear to me, and still isn't entirely explicable, is why. Among other things, I've often said that, considering myself an outsider, as I do, I'm not too concerned about what others think of me, but maybe that's less true than I might like to admit. Humans are, by nature, social animals, and acceptance, being a part of the 'in-group', is an important issue to most people, and I guess I'm no different in that respect. I do have a number of people, my daughter, my brother and sister-in-law, my cousin, some of my cyberspace friends, who know the 'real' me and still consider that I deserve my membership of the human race, but, for the most part, I have to hide behind my mask to get through the day. Maybe there's a feeling that I don't want to antagonise the mysterious 'they' any more than I have already that's staying my hand, even if it conflicts with my aspiration to 'tell it as it is', from my perspective.
After a week of nights that was draining from a physical standpoint, but not, in reality, all that busy, today's late shift was much more intense, the infrastructure not really doing us many favours. I coped with it pretty well, but I felt the pressure rather. Nothing a couple of cold beers can't wash away, though. Cheers!
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
As you know, some of us think of you as "one of us"...just another guy, attracted to whom you're attracted, and a friend. Nothing more.
ReplyDeleteAnd some of us understand. I understand that you are you, and you are how you are. And to me, it's OK. I'm not so much different, save a few years. I wish you felt more accepted, but I get it. I really do, having been through what I've been through, again, save a few years.
I drown it out with bourbon. I hope your beers help. You know I understand and care.
Peace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteYou, and the handful of others I mentioned in the post, are very important to me, to keeping my life on anything resembling an even keel, and I do appreciate that, very much. I do have moments, though, of - I don't know, guilt, shame, uncertainty, wishing I was like all those 'normal' people out there, although I hope I wouldn't despise anyone in the way the 'normals' despise the likes of me. As I've said before, though, almost ad nauseum, I can't be anyone but me, all I can do is to try to live my life in the best way my circumstances allow.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B