A letter (that will never be sent)

Dear ****
Things have been difficult between us for quite a while now, not all the time, but too much of the time. Many of the reasons are all too obvious, our finances in particular, but also my health, my job, your health, your parent's health, all piling on the pressure, and we're also divided by different interests and opinions, not that we ever had a huge amount in common, right back to when we first met. It sounds like a litany of woe, and maybe, sometimes, we allow it to push us that way, making me less kind than I might be, and you less caring towards me. You've said, more than once, that you don't know why we bother to carry on, and I must admit to having felt the same on occasions. We've got a daughter we both love, in our different ways, and, for all the ups and downs, we've still got each other. But is it what either of us want any more? I can only speak for myself, and my thoughts on this subject are where my difficulties really begin, because I could only talk to you from the perspective of my superficial, 'public' self, which is probably only half of the real me, if that. I can only speak to you using my public face, because I'm as convinced as I could be, 99% certain at least, that you'd react badly to any revelation of the 'real' me. One of the accusations you've made against me, when we've had our differences of opinion, is that I tell you what you're thinking, making unwarranted assumptions about you. In this area, though, my 99% certainty is based purely on things that you've said, on how you've reacted to news items, on how you reacted to the perceived threat from the person you had to deal with through your work. The last news item you commented on, just a few days ago, you described people like me, 'paedophiles', as you would say, as 'bastards', not a word that has often passed your lips, in my experience. When we were shopping earlier today, you didn't know that I was hurrying when we left the shop not because I was feeling unwell, although I was, but because I wanted desperately to see more of a jawdroppingly lovely boy, 11 years old, or thereabouts, looking more than a little like DBJ, who'd left the shop with his family just before us. I could just imagine your reaction if you discovered that your husband was one of those 'bastards' you so despise. I've never lied to you about this, it's just that you've never asked - if you asked the specific question, I'd tell you the truth, I'd have no choice, I couldn't lie to you in that way. Is my silence on this matter deception in itself? Probably, but it's not a deception with purely selfish motivations - despite the difficulties in our relationship of late, I've always loved you, ever since we met, and wouldn't want to do anything to knowingly hurt you. Our daughter would be hurt as well, no doubt, if we split up, although I know already she wouldn't be hurt by the revelation, as she's known about me for getting on for a year. That would probably be another unforgivable deception in your eyes, that I trusted our daughter more than I trusted you, but that's only a function of her personality and mine, how similar we are in many ways - you're fond of saying we're 'two peas in a pod' - I think it's fair to say I've got more in common with her, which, genetically at least, is true, of course.
So, to address your question, why carry on? You tell me.

Your loving husband

Love & best wishes to all

Sammy B