I read - skimmed, really, because I knew I'd get down if I got too heavily into it - the latest blog post from a blogger who's been writing his 'memoirs' online for a while now. Unless I've misunderstood where his latest chapters are heading, he's talking about the phase of his life where he left his 'true love' to go out into the world, in his case by joining the military. My initial thoughts were 'Why do it?' Even allowing for the strictures of time and place - this part of the blogger's life goes back to the early 1970's - why leave the love of your life, just because of the disapproval of the world. But, when I thought about it more logically, how different is it from what I've done with my life?
The practicalities of my situation were slightly different, in that my 'true love', as I wrote in 'A Loved Boy' a few days ago, wasn't ever a realistic candidate to be my life partner, because it wasn't what he wanted, wasn't what he was able to be. But why, then, did I choose to go the way that I did, why get into a position where, if I'd been braver and more honest with myself, I'd have said 'this isn't who I am, and this isn't what I want'?
The only answer I can come up with is other people's expectations. People - family, friends, workmates - have an image of who you are, of how you should behave, of what you should want. In the face of those expectations, there are two ways you can go. You can be what you are, what you want to be, and risk the consequences of disillusioning those in your life, who may be very important to you, risk losing friends, being disowned by family, ostracised by workmates, but keep to your principles, or you can bow to convention, and follow the conventional path. Portray yourself as what they see you as, do the things you're 'supposed' to do. But, then, whose life are you living? More theirs than yours, certainly in my case. Hindsight is such a useless commodity, but I definitely feel I made completely the wrong decision about how to deal with the loss of the love of my life. Wrong for me, and wrong for others who have been affected. Any volunteers to tell my wife that she's wasted 20 years of her life living with someone who isn't who she thinks he is?
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
I must say I agree wholeheartedly with this post. I went through most of my life living up to others' expectations: dating girls (superficially), prom, an engagement...until finally now, all these years later, I just said "enough!"
ReplyDeleteOf course, I understand your reasons for staying under the radar, and hindsight is always 20/20 (or is it?)...but to tell your wife she's lived with someone who isn't who she thinks he is? I'd say she's done pretty well. You love her, you've raised a great daughter, and if your sexual orientation were that much of an issue, I think it would be obvious to her at least, that something was terribly wrong over all.
Peace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm just a good actor. Good at suppressing my real self, because, of course, it's not enough that I'm attracted to males, but I have to go one step further, one step more transgressive, and make it boys. Yes, I do love my wife, but that doesn't stop me lying to her, in omission, if not commission, every single day. And all because of expectations - having submitted to one set of expectations by getting into the relationship, I'm now subject to another, the expectations of being a good husband and father. The latter is relatively easy, but the former - like I said in the post, it really isn't who I am or what I want. There's an element of being trapped, but by my own hand - I locked the lock and threw the key away of my own volition, and that's where, with hindsight, I went wrong.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B