My wife rang me earlier this morning, just for a chat while she waited for one of her work clients to meet her. Given what she told me, I wish she hadn't.
After the customary mention of money, she started talking about our daughter. She's been spending a lot of time on the phone lately to one of her drama school friends. Just natural teenage girl habitat, you might justifiably say. My wife said 'If I tell you this, you'll be angry with me'. My thought was she'd been listening in on my daughter's calls, and I said so. No, not that. Worse, in my opinion. She's been reading the girl's diary. I was angry, but kept it under control. It wasn't said in unequivocal words, but it seems that my daughter has a crush, at least, on her drama school friend, and has been questioning her sexuality as result. In her diary. Which my wife has now surreptitiously read.
Several reactions on my part, most of which I passed on to my wife. The main, immediate concern, is honesty. We've always tried to impress on out daughter the importance of telling the truth. How can my wife, in all conscience, now talk about issues like that when she's done what she's done. It's an utter breach of privacy, of trust. She said she did it because my daughter never talks to her about issues in her life. Does she really think this is likely to encourage my daughter to open up? I'm now in a real dilemma. I feel I should tell my daughter, but if I do, I'm likely to cause all sorts of ructions in their relationship. Even if I just suggest she's careful about where she keeps her diary, it will give the game away.
More generally, there's an issue of acceptance. I believe we are what we are, and no amount of moralising can possibly change that. I'm not at all convinced that my wife agrees with that. I, personally, don't think my daughter is gay, but then, I haven't read the diary. The girl's take on it is that she thinks she might be bisexual, apparently. There's some evidence, my wife says, that someone has put a homophobic comment on my daughter's Facebook page, but that it's been deleted. I've told my wife that I think our daughter's orientation is none of our business, which is what I believe. If she needs help from us, I hope she's aware that she can ask for it, any time. If she doesn't, that's her choice, too.
This isn't coming out very fluently. There are potential 'cans of worms' everywhere. How can I encourage my daughter to be herself, and encourage my wife to follow the same line, when I'm living a lie myself? It would be ironic indeed if I was outed by my daughter being outed. Messy and complicated doesn't even begin to describe it. I get a feeling that this issue is going to be revisited, soon.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
It really is too bad your wife read your daughter's diary. She shouldn't have done that. I have no idea how to best deal with this situation.
ReplyDeleteHello Brian
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone - I've got no idea what to do. Whatever I do is going to badly upset someone close to me, I suspect. If I tell my daughter, I'm betraying my wife's confidences, and potentially ruining her relationship with our daughter. If I don't tell her, and she finds out by other means, I'm an accomplice, I could potentially ruin my relationship with my daughter, and I'm breaching my own principles, to boot. But then, I'm breaching my own principles every day just by the double life I'm leading. As I said, 'can of worms' isn't even close to how horrendous this could be. The more I think about it, the worse it seems.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hi Sammy;
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful opportunity you and your wife now have. It is incredibly wrong for her to have read your daughter's diary. This is something she should take to her grave. But, done is done, it has at least given you both the opportunity to prepare yourselves for a difficult conversation.
Sammy, I think this is what you should do: In the coming days or weeks, you will have a moment with your daughter and the chance to tell her....that you love her no matter what she chooses for her life. Be she a doctor or a refuse collector, popular or a loner, gay or straight, (etc). You tell her that you are so proud to be her Dad, that you just can't wait to see how she chooses her life to be. Tell her that you want her to be happy, and that if there is ever anything she wants to discuss with you about careers, loves, friends, whatever, that you would love to be there for her and help her find her happiness.
I wish someone had told me something like this; my life may well have been very different.
Well, that's my thought.
hugs;
randy
Reading the diary, if you ask me that's pretty much the worse violation of integrity a parent can ever commit against their kids. No matter its content or need to spy, a diary is the most private a child can have. Just leave it alone! If you need to find something out, it's better to sit down and ask frankly.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a diary for many years, throughout my stormy teenage till I was like 30. I would literary die of shame humiliation and extreme distrust if someone other than myself read them. They're all written by me... intended for my eyes only.
I still have them and they're kept safe but I'd rather burn them than risking my innermost thoughts to end up in front of someone else.
I don't know about your daughters age, but I think discovering and questioning ones sexuality is a natural (and important) process in becoming the person who you ultimately will be.
Love
Daniel
Don't do anything. If she wants to tell you anything she'll do it in her own time. She's what, 13-15? Who isn't confused at that age? I'm 16 (which isn't much older) and have no clue what's going on most of the time.
ReplyDeleteHi there, Sammy
ReplyDeleteSeveral strands here.
First, about your sexuality, and "living a lie": you're not required to tell anybody about your sexuality; nobody has a right to know. So there is no obligation on you to be honest about, however much you might wish that you could be. You have judged, quite correctly in my opinion, that it is better for you not to come out, principally because of the probably consequences for the rest of your family. I don't see any problem with your encouraging others (particularly your daughter) to be open about themselves: because of your particular circumstances, your duty to protect your family overrides any requirement for you to be equally open yourself.
Second, your daughter: I'm sure she must now that she can talk to you, but it can't hurt to offer reassurance about that from time to time. Also, she already knows about your sexuality, so I would hope that she would feel able to talk to you about hers, if she's concerned.
Third, your wife: I think the best course of action would be for her to own up to your daughter about what she has done (and why), and apologise for it. But I have no idea whether she would feel able to do that. I can imagine that things would get very difficult between your wife and your daughter for a while afterwards, so it might be best done when you're at home; on the other hand, I also have the feeling that the sooner it's settled the better. If your wife won't talk to your daughter, then you are in a very difficult position, and I'm not sure what you should do in that case.
Take care
Mark
Hello Randy
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky in that I've always had a really good relationship with my daughter, which is one of the reasons I was so disturbed about what my wife told me this morning, that our bond could be damaged by something I would never have done myself, under any circumstances. The things you said, all very worthy, about unconditional love and acceptance, whoever and whatever she chooses to be, are all there already, and she knows that to be the case. As long as she's safe and happy, she can be anything she wants to be, and she'll have me there cheering her on.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hello Daniel
ReplyDeleteI totally agree about my daughter's privacy - I would never have dreamed of reading her diary, and I was shocked that my wife had. I've never even looked at her Facebook page, which is publicly available.
My daughter is 13, and has plenty of time to work out who she is. She'll have my love and support, whatever she decides.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hello Joe
ReplyDeleteAfter a further conversation with my wife today, I've got little option but to do nothing at the moment. I'm still angry and disappointed that my wife has put me in such a checkmated, 'damned if I do and damned if I don't' position, though.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hello Mark
ReplyDeleteI'll address your points in reverse, I think. I spoke to my wife earlier this evening, and suggested just the course of action you recommended, of 'coming clean' with my daughter, but not only did she insist she no intention of doing so, she didn't even seem to appreciate why I was making an issue of it. Her attitude seems to be that if she keeps quiet, my daughter will never know, and there won't be a problem. Given the propensity of such secrets to blow up in people's faces, I think she's being, at best, naive. As you suggest, it leaves me in a pretty invidious position - I've got the feeling that one, if not both of them are going to be hurt, whatever I do or fail to do.
As far as my daughter goes, I'd like to think that she knows that she can talk to me about anything. It would be much easier if I was there, though, yet another downside of being away from home so much.
And me - well, nothing, superficially, has changed. I'm closeted for the reasons I've been closeted hitherto. Paranoia is a powerful emotion, though, and I can't help but have this sneaking fear that my daughter might just say something in the heat of the moment in an argument with my wife. I'm sure she wouldn't do it purposely, even if she did feel I'd let her down, but it's another risk factor in an already convoluted situation. The Damoclean Sword as just inched a little lower, perhaps.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Wow, Sammy. What a spot to be in. I read through the comments, I can't think of anything to add, other than to say that at least you have this as an outlet and sounding board. There's so many variables and possibly outcomes in a situation like this, and perhaps it would be best to simply let things take their course. Good luck, and please know we'll be here to support you.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
ReplyDeleteFor the moment, at least, it seems that the pin has been put back into the grenade, and things at home are calm, but I can't help feeling that it's all going to flare up again at some point. I might just need that good luck that you've kindly wished me.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B