Predictably enough, introspection has been the order of the day, again. I'm trying to find the key, the answer to my own question. Why, beyond habit, go on? I need to find the solution, to find a way of justifying it to myself, because if I can't do that, it just isn't going to happen.
At the risk of morbidity, I'm not all that confident about my health holding up, especially if I throw psychological problems into the witches' brew - I wasn't all that good before the weekend, and I'm little better now, but how much of that is in the mind is hard to say. But again, if I don't keep going, can't keep going, what that failure would entail would almost certainly make the situation worse. Damned if I do, and damned if I don't writ large. Take a deep breath, and press on regardless, I suppose. I'm worth more dead than alive, anyway, with insurance and the potential payout from my occupational pension, so at least my family would be taken care of, to a point. Not that any of that does much for me, but there's nothing to be gained by complaining, so just don't.
The other stuff in my head - well, that, at least at the moment, is insoluble. I can't seem to live with it or without it. I'm afraid of the consequences of not being myself, in some way or another, but I'm almost as afraid of the consequences if I am. Society just isn't geared up for the likes of me, hardly surprising, really, since I'm not even geared up to deal with myself. It's an ongoing bad dream, day after day. I must find a way of waking myself. Insanity, all sorts of disasters could lie ahead if I don't.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
As I read about your perceived problems now in your life, I think of my own in earlier years. From where I sit now, I realize that back then I did not appreciate the daily things occurring in my life I was taking for granted. Now that I am advancing into older age and losing faculties I never fully appreciated, I wish I had realized then just how good things were for me. Especially at this time now when I am undergoing significant trauma and loss of things always considered basic and forever, I just now am beginning to realize how well off I was.
ReplyDeleteWhat advice can I offer? Only that you should consider the good things in your life and think of how your life would be different if you did not have them. Don't take even the most basic things for granted: someday they will go away.
Hello Brian
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that things are not going well in your life at the moment. I hope that anything that is capable of remedy is resolved quickly and to your advantage.
I don't feel that whatever problems I have are characterised by my heedlessly taking my situation for granted. Nor do I claim that I'm in a worse position than many other people. There are elements in my life that I'm unhappy with, and I'm exploring ways of coming to terms, and dealing with those elements. I know I've got to find the answer myself, and that it's got to be justifiable to myself. In this context, the blog is a means of setting out my thoughts in an ordered way, to help that process. If others, such as yourself, are kind enough to provide feedback, that can often aid the process, but the solution, ultimately, has to come from within. If I can't convince myself, I can't expect to convince anyone else.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B