'You think some people are better than others because of the way they make love.'
A quote from the screenplay of Another Country, one of my all-time favourite films. It also pretty much sums up how I feel the world feels about me at the moment. What I want is beyond the pale, unacceptable, unconscionable. I should never be allowed to be me, ever. I should look instead for something 'obtainable'. To paraphrase another quote, from a rather stupid radio advert, it's as though I'd ordered a chicken pie, and the waiter brought a cricket bat, but that I should still be grateful for the cricket bat.
I'm sorry, but I want the 'chicken pie'. Having said that, I've explained in this blog before that I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to deceive or, worse, coerce anyone into doing anything they don't want to do, I don't, in short, want to have sex with anyone who doesn't want to have sex with me. That, in itself, means that the chances of my finding myself in bed with a boy are almost nil from the outset. But, make no mistake, I would, if I was convinced that any such hypothetical relationship was consensual. And I would have to be genuinely convinced, after what happened, or almost happened, with 'B' all those years ago. But I can't live without the hope that sometime, somewhere, there is someone for me. If I give up that hope, after the best part of four decades, I might just as well curl up in a corner and die.
I apologise if this isn't what people, especially those who have taken the time and trouble to try and help me over the last year or so, want to hear, but, whatever else, I feel the need to be honest.
I'm going to try, really try, not to harp on this subject anymore. Unless anything substantive changes, I'm going to try and make this the last post about all this for the foreseeable future. There are plenty of other things in life to talk about, at the end of the day.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Sammy
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty - if you couldn't speak your mind here, then I think something would have gone badly wrong.
I'm not suggesting that you should give up hope, however unlikely achieving it might seem - I think the hope of a better future (whatever that means to each individual) is what sustains many of us. Nor am I suggesting that you should try to redirect your desires - I know just as well as you how futile that would be for any of us.
But I would suggest some sort of external interest, even if only as a distraction. And who knows what might happen along the way?
Take care
Mark
Hello Mark
ReplyDeleteWhat you suggest about other interests is part of what I had in my mind when I wrote about there being other things to talk about. Even by my own standards, I've been almost obsessively introspective of late, and I agree that making a serious effort to turn outwards is likely to be beneficial. But, as you also suggest, I can't wish the boylover away - if I could have, I would have long since.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Being introspective is very important, it allows us to see who we really are. And blogging your introspections is the perfect way to "flesh them out", maybe even coming to grips with them.
ReplyDeleteI think we all know that "redirection" doesn't work. But distraction is possible. While I've never been particularly turned on by young boys, I will admit it's hard to be a leader in scouting for 30 years, most of it when casual nudity was common in showers and when changing, and not see sights that were truly stunning. I guess my complete suppression of my sexuality during those years was what prevented calamity. The distraction of constant physical activity was also a help, as it left all of us too tired to think about anything but sleep in the downtime. I can testify that there are others like this out there to this day.
Harp, harp away. Sammy, we support you. I've never seen condemnation here...even my "unobtainable" comment was more of a perception - certainly not a condemnation of you at all. I hope (though I think) I was taken the wrong way, and for that I apologize profusely!
Peace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing for you to apologise for - I always try express my honest opinions in what I write, and I wouldn't want those like yourself who are kind enough to comment on my blog to do anything different. I haven't taken anything you, or indeed anyone else has written as a personal condemnation - the 'unobtainable' thing just got me thinking along lines that didn't take me to a happy place. I know I'll very probably never find what I most want, but to think that even the faint possibility that remains could be taken away would leave me in a very difficult situation, psychologically. I don't think I'm alone in being in a life situation that isn't what I would choose in an ideal world, so I need all the coping strategies at my disposal, and if one of those is the hope that 'one day my prince will come', that's what I'm going to cling to.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B