I always try, as I go about my everyday life, to keep my inner demons in check. I might not be sparkling company all the time, but I do my best to be no worse than neutral in my dealings with the outside world. I failed in that regard yesterday, at least once, and maybe twice.
When I got to work at lunchtime, one of my colleagues, mostly in jest, I think, made a comment about my not looking very happy with life. I just shrugged it off by saying something about my well-documented dislike of late shifts, but I was disappointed with myself that I couldn't keep my feelings better hidden. All I want at work is to be one of the crew, and not draw attention to myself - there are too many skeletons lurking in my cupboard to want anyone to think they have to take an interest in me.
The second incident may not have had anything to do with me, but it wouldn't surprise me if it had. When I was leaving the station at the Surrey end on my way back from work, being Friday night, there were a number of teenage-ish people about, including a group of mid-teen girls. One of the them called out 'Put a smile on your face, sad-faced man.' I wasn't the only person emerging from the station entrance at the time, so she could have been referring to someone else, but it would have been quite appropriate to have been aimed at me. My mask was certainly slipping yesterday, it seems. I'll have to find a smiley one instead.
I read Lucent last night. Many might say that reading my own stories for pleasure is a bit on the masturbatory side, but I happen to think it's a good story, and I'd re-read it if it had been written by someone else, so why not? Probably as a result, I ended up by dreaming about someone called Alex overnight. I don't remember much about the dream, except that the atmosphere of the scenario was warm and happy, and that the 'Alex' in my dream wasn't any of the three people called Alex I know personally, and wasn't the 'Alex' from Lucent, either. The subconscious works in mysterious ways.
I started this post before I left for work this afternoon, but ran out of time to finish it, so I'll add today's doings as a postscript. Not much to say, really - I spoke to my daughter briefly earlier on, but she says she's fine, and, from the evidence of the phone call, she sounds pretty much her normal self. I sent her a little e-mail that was designed to encourage a bit of discussion, but she wasn't biting, at least not yet. I told my wife I that I still think she owes my daughter an apology, but she wasn't biting, either. It's a good job I'm not a fisherman - I wouldn't even catch a cold!
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
I remember I went to a concert at the local ballpark. It sucked. Even after I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in years - he recognized me, and we had a nice time standing in the beer line catching up on our lives. But the concert still sucked. I was standing up against a rail, thinking of leaving when a rather "hippie" looking girl walked by and said "smile, man, we're at a concert!"
ReplyDeleteIt was hard to, but I smiled and I had a better time the rest of the concert. It even sounded better.
Sorta the same, sorta not...
Peace <3
Jay
Yeah keeping the mask always up, that's a tricky task. Sometimes I wonder how many of the people I meet also carry a mask. All of then? Half? Whatabout my kids? Maybe they really want to tell me something but don't know how to address the situation.
ReplyDelete'I'm fine dad' 'My day at school was alright' 'I'm out, see ya later' I have always felt it to be important to communicate with my kids. Talk about life and anything else popping up over supper or whenever we have a time for it. They seem to enjoy our talks and take it naturally but I do wonder how much of a mask they are carrying. To protect... I don't know. Me? Themselves? Protect me from them? Them from myself??
We all have our privacy and that's the way it should be. But somewhere there's a fin shady indistinct line between personal secrets and the need for assistance. I'm not religious but I sort of pray I will notice whenever this line is crossed.
Reaching out to your daughter was a smart move, even though she didn't hook.
Love
Daniel
Hello Jay
ReplyDelete'Smile, and the world smiles with you....', or so the old song goes. It's a nice trick if you can do it, I guess, but it's not easy, not for me, anyway.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hello Daniel
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you're right in saying almost everyone has their mask, to some extent, to help them deal with the rest of the world, to smooth out the highs and lows. I, like you, hope that I would notice enough with my family to know when to try and help, and when to back off and allow for their privacy, especially relevant at the moment with my daughter's situation. I think she'll talk to me if she needs to, although that may not come until I'm next at home, in 10 days or so.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B