Weeks away from home, that is - I'm more or less halfway through my record breaking exile. And I hate it, all the more because, as extensively discussed recently, it doesn't seem to be achieving anything worthwhile. All it seems to be doing is making me more bitter and twisted than I was to start with. If I hadn't been at work today, apart from a few words with the housekeeper (yes, that is her official job title, not me being in any way patronising) this morning, I wouldn't have spoken to anyone in person all day. Even allowing for the fact that I'm not all that gregarious, it isn't a particularly enjoyable lifestyle. Rays of light - a cutie in the supermarket at lunchtime (it seems that, even today, not all of the schools have resumed), speaking to my wife and daughter on the phone during the early evening while I was on my break, that's about it, really. I am, contrary to appearances, trying to stay as positive as I can - I have no ambition to go back into the kind of trough I was in a couple of weeks ago - but, for all I'm sure I'd be told how much better off I am than many others, it's hard to accept that premise when 'more of the same', off to the horizon, is all I've got to look forward to.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
I know the "in a rut" feeling. All too well. I agree with you, being told you're better off than so many others (and yeah, I guess I was/am, I have a job, a rather secure one, that at least pays the bills) is patronizing and condescending. The last five years cost me dearly in terms of health, both physical and mental, and even getting the step up in May, I can't undo all that in a couple of months, nor can you. I hope you can hang in there.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
ReplyDeleteI'll admit that posts like this one are, to a degree, just me moaning, but there is an underlying substantive issue, namely being in a life situation that really isn't doing anything for my happiness, and possibly, as in your case, my health. The 'glass half full' aspect I'm trying to focus on is that, two weeks from today, I begin a fortnight's holiday - it can't come soon enough, at the risk of wishing my life away.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B