I apologise in advance, but this isn't going to be a very sunny post.
Yesterday's mood seems to have deteriorated into a thorough slough of despond today. I'm trying my best to keep up a facade of normality to my family and the few work colleagues that I come into contact with when I'm on nights, but, if I'm being honest, it's just a mask to hide the fact that I'm crying inside - and the worst of it is that I can hardly even explain to myself what the problem is, much less talk about it to anyone else. It's like a jigsaw assembling itself in my head where all the pieces are blank and black.
Trying to think and rationalise my way through the situation while I'm sitting here typing, it seems like a combination of forces conspiring against my equilibrium - I'm desperate to get away from my present job, desperate to be able to better provide for my family, both of which can only be facilitated by being away from home, but I'm also feeling as though I'm missing other things in my life, things that no realistically achievable scenario can provide. I love my wife, I love my daughter, I know they love me, but it's never quite enough - it's all my fault, I know, I want the best of all worlds, I want something that I can't have - sex isn't the issue, it never has been - what I really want, I guess, is the scenario I wrote about in Revenant in the other blog, not necessarily with one specific person, although I am in unrequitable love with one specific person, but the almost certain knowledge that I'll never be in that situation with anyone, on top of all the other problems in my life, is breaking my heart. I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I am, I'm so much better off than so many other people, but the perception of the void that's always been lurking in the shadows of my life won't go away.
Love & best wishes to all - please be happy
Sammy B
Hi there, Sammy
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you're feeling down - it must be particularly unpleasant if the cause is so difficult to analyse. I hope things start getting better soon. I'd like to suggest something to help, but I'm really not sure what. Some sort of distraction would seem to be in order, to take your mind off things, but I don't know what would appeal, or be sufficiently interesting to keep your attention.
One minor admin point: I replied last night to your e-mail of Monday night. I think some of my outbound e-mail is going astray at the moment; if you didn't get that reply, please let me know.
*hugs*
Mark
Hello Mark
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I received your e-mail, thank you. Small world syndrome, you rattling past the window of the place I was working on a fairly regular basis.
My mood did break slightly after I'd posted earlier, mostly thanks to my daughter coming and giving me a hug, not because she was aware I was upset, but just because she chose to. The therapeutic value of hugs is much underrated. As you say, it's difficult to know quite how to solve a problem that hasn't got an immediate, specific cause, although I doubt that pining after the unobtainable is likely to be very helpful. From previous experience, and not wishing to sound like an habitual depressive, I'll probably return to normal for reasons equally as opaque as those that have cast me down.
Thank you once again for your care and concern.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hi there, Sammy
ReplyDeleteI hope you're feeling happier today. I guess it's some consolation that you've been through this cycle before, and you know that the mood will break at some point.
Thanks for the confirmation about the e-mail; it reassures me that some others I've sent recently haven't vanished into the aether.
*hugs*
Mark
Hello Mark
ReplyDeleteI hope I'm past the worst, although today has been a bit mixed. Not wishing to indulge in too much schadenfreude, but watching Germany being knocked out of the World Cup this morning has probably helped!
Love & best wishes
Sammy B