The grey shade that my thoughts seem to take on from time to time has seeped back into my head during the course of this afternoon and evening's late shift at work. Late shifts, especially at weekends, are a long standing pet hate of mine, but that, in itself, isn't really why I've ended up feeling sorry for myself. Nor is it the fact that I'll be going back to an empty house when I finish here, I'm unsociable enough to be able to cope with that. It's one of those slightly nebulous, difficult to define feelings, which often boil down to the fact that, in many ways, I consider large chunks of my life to have been a catalogue of failures. This blog, and 'Nephelokokkygia', have joined that catalogue at least partly, I think, because while they have provided me with a canvas on which to inscribe and organise my thoughts, and even provided a slight degree of catharsis in one or two areas, it hasn't been done in such a way as to persuade many other people to find interesting and readable, which was one of my objectives at the outset. There have been a handful of notable exceptions, and I'm very grateful for the interest of, and feedback from, those few individuals, but, on the whole, I don't seem to have created too many ripples in the blogsphere ocean. I'm well aware that I've said in the past that I'd carry on the blogs even if no-one read them, so it could well be countered that I shouldn't complain if no-one does, but I have spent a fair amount of time today introspecting about whether to continue. Despite my less than positive feelings on the subject, I think the balance of probability is that I will carry on for the moment, if only because I'm a bit of a 'hoarder', and it would go against the grain to 'throw away' what I've done over the last few months. Whether I can cope with an almost unbroken wall of apathy (always remembering the honourable exceptions noted above) indefinitely remains to be seen. Maybe, unlike the Vogon captain in 'Hitchhikers' Guide', I really do want to be loved, despite my myriad flaws.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Hello Sammy,
ReplyDeleteI guess you need to examine your reasons for having a blog in the first place. What were your goals? It seems some people do it as sort of ‘journal’ to get their inner thoughts down in ‘writing’, perhaps forcing themselves to examine them in more detail than they might otherwise have. I think this is a commonly used therapeutic technique prescribed by mental health care professionals. But in most cases the journal is intended to be a private thing, usually accessible only by the writer himself.
So why does a troubled person write a journal and then make it public? I guess in a lot of cases the person is unsure about his thoughts and plans and is hoping some interested readers might provide some useful feedback.
If a person then makes such a journal and presents it publicly then doesn’t get much feedback, what does that mean? I of course don’t know for sure. I guess it could indicate that the life experiences and events he writes about, and the inner thoughts he exposes, are really not of much interest to those who read it. Or not enough readers have yet found it. Or it might mean that an interested reader can’t think of anything significant to say. Some people will write comments just to hear their keyboard keys click, but I think most people want to contribute something positive. If they can’t think of anything, they remain silent.
So I guess it all comes down to what you want. If it makes you feel better to write these things even if you are not getting the response you expected or hoped for, then by all means continue doing it. If you are writing for the purpose of getting responses and you are not getting them, then you have to decide whether your writing is serving any purpose for you.
If you want feedback, one thing you might try is asking questions. Soliciting opinions. Most everyone has an opinion on most things. They probably won’t express it if not asked.
I don’t mean to be negative, but your life seems to be like most of ours: pretty ordinary. That’s the reason I don’t have a blog. There is nothing going on in my life that would be of any interest to anyone else. The blogs that seem to be most popular are the ones where the writer has lots going on. Travels to foreign places, special events, things like that. These are things that people enjoy reading about. Especially if these places or events are things the reader would like to himself do but probably will never be able to. He can read about them and feel like he is participating in a small way. Your life and my life are just too dull and uninteresting to attract readers or keep them for very long.
So, it’s up to you. What do you want to do?
Best wishes,
Brian
Hi there, Sammy
ReplyDelete*hugs*
I was in process of writing a comment, and then I found that Brian had said something far more insightful and thought-provoking.
I would just say that I very much hope you continue blogging, and writing in "Nephelokokkygia". I think that writing deserves a much wider audience, and I'm currently thinking about where you might find it.
Take care
Mark
Hello Brian
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feedback. Most of what you say is unarguable, particularly what you say about much of what I write about being relatively mundane, and that the final decision to the question 'to blog or not to blog?' is mine. In the light of recent events, though, is an honest, if workaday, account of someone's life and thoughts better or worse than something racier, but possibly embellished or even completely invented? I suppose it ultimately depends on the taste of the reader and the ability of the writer. As I said in the post, I'm probably not ready to give up yet - I kept a written diary, albeit obviously not for general consumption, for something like 8 years covering my late 20's and early 30's, so I do have some 'stickability' in these matters, but I also have to contend with the personal mindset that I wrote about some time ago in my 'Perfectionism' post, and that, in the context of the blogs, means that I feel like I've failed if they don't generate more interest.
As I said in the post, I really am grateful to those who do take the time to read my blogs regularly, and there's no doubt that you fall into that category. Thank you once again.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hello Mark
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind and encouraging words. As I've just said to Brian, I doubt that I'm ready to throw in the towel just yet, but I get days like today when my insecurity and long-term lack of self-esteem come back to haunt me. I've found a website called 'Ficly' where people are invited to contribute stories, or story ideas in a maximum of 1024 characters, or can write prequels or sequels to existing stories with the same length restrictions. My estimation of my capacity as a writer, given the experience of having written fairly regularly over the last few months, is that I'm more likely to be a short story person than a novelist, so I'm tempted to try 'Ficly', and see what happens.
As with Brian, your continued commitment to following my blogs is very much appreciated - Thank you.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hi Sammy,
ReplyDeleteThe recent events you spoke of have made me reexamine my own motivation for reading the blogs. I really enjoyed reading the main one you are speaking of. I enjoy reading the stories you write, at least the ones with nice endings. I know they are for the most part totally fiction. I enjoyed reading that blog. I don’t know how much of it was fiction, but it was a really good story. I eagerly awaited each new posting. I guess now the writer was creating what his readers wanted to read. Is that bad? Only if it adversely affects the lives and feelings of some others. And in this case it apparently did. I personally doubt that was the intention of the writer, but it turned out that way.
So, I guess I would have to say that honesty may be the best policy but it probably is not the most readable. I am generally interested in reading about other folk’s lives. Most other’s lives are far more interesting than mine. I also like finding out how other people think and what they believe, of course comparing theirs to my own thoughts and beliefs. It adds a little color and excitement to my otherwise dull life.
I don’t feel the least bit hurt or taken advantage of by finding out some of what I was reading and believing is probably false. I wistfully wish it had all been true. I was hoping the world could actually be like that, at least in one small place. It entertained me for a number of months and I am grateful for that.
Best wishes,
Brian
Hello Brian
ReplyDeleteI've got such mixed feelings about 'Yacky Box'. My greatest hope, still, is that there is some logical explanation for what has happened, and that any suspicion of deception is comprehensively quashed. The deafening silence from that quarter in the intervening days doesn't bode well, though, in my opinion. That blog was, genuinely, one of the main reasons, if not the main reason that I started my blog, and I have to say that I, like you, will not have been personally damaged in any way if it did turn out to have been a complete fabrication. Some others, though, were much more deeply involved, and there was, and is, the potential for hurt in those cases. I always do my best not to hurt anyone else by my actions, though I freely admit I don't always succeed, so I find actions by others that do cause that kind of hurt, either by thoughtlessness, or worse still, malice, difficult to accept. Fiction is a different issue, because everyone knows where they stand from the outset - any harm, or indeed benefit, to anyone in those contexts is purely a figment of the author's imagination, and as such shouldn't cause any real world hurt to anyone.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B