Purely on the basis of numerical coincidence, and not because I'm in any morbid kind of mood, that quotation from 'Nineteen Eighty-Four' sprung to mind this afternoon, getting me thinking about what might be in my personal 'Room 101'. I suppose it could be a number of things, depending on context, but, given much of what I've written about in this blog, perhaps the worst scenario I could envisage would be to become entangled in another situation similar to the one I wrote about in 'The dark place' a few months ago, where I ended up almost sexually assaulting someone I cared a lot about because I read much more into simple affection than I should have done, but with the difference that this time I wouldn't be so ridiculously lucky as to find someone who was mature, wise and magnanimous way beyond their years. I'm so wary now that I strongly doubt that the situation could arise, but the prospect of the whole 'house of cards' of my life, my marriage, my status as a parent, my job, my ability to look after my family or even myself, my very liberty, all coming crashing down because of desire overwhelming rationality is a nightmare that I find it hard to even contemplate.
Even in the face of all the potentially dire consequences, though, there's still a corner of my mind that won't let go of the faint and fading hope of finding someone who would be both willing and able to countenance the sort of relationship I fantasise about almost every day, even if only for an hour of my life, then walk away leaving both parties to resume the previous paths of their lives without any damage or ill feelings on anyone's part. Ludicrously optimistic, I guess, but I can't help being the person I am, that's a matter of the interaction of genetics and environment over the last 50 years - it's only how I act on my deepest feelings that I've got any control over. I just hope, above all else, that I never do anything that would hurt another person, especially anyone I love. My own happiness and wellbeing is vanishingly irrelevant in comparison.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Methinks you worry too much. You seem to be perfectly in control.
ReplyDeleteHello Brian
ReplyDeleteYou have more confidence in me than I do. Superficially, I would probably come over as controlled (IRL and in Blogland), but I live a lot of my life in hiding, and I know, to allude to your comment on the previous post, quite a lot about me - I've been living in here for the last fifty and a bit years, after all - including things that I'd rather not know, in an ideal world. I've always been happy to be clever (no conceit intended, but that's how it is), but every silver lining has a cloud wrapped round it, and the flip side of my intelligence is a surfeit of insight - I know I've got a dark side, at least potentially, and sometimes the stress of keeping it under control can be almost as much as I can cope with.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B