Again? Still? I don't really know. I wrote a piece called 'Brink' in 'Cuckoos' about six weeks ago, an imagined way out of what might have been an untenable position. I'm not in that kind of place in my life - yet. I have a nasty feeling that such a place is closer, though. It's like one of those nightmares where you unlock doors, only to find more locked doors beyond, no way out. However hard you try, there's no escape. Like an insect caught in a spider's web, irredeemably entangled in sticky strands, nothing left to do but struggle in futility, then die. It's a frightening prospect, I feel like running away, but there's nowhere to run to where you can leave yourself behind. I don't know what to do, how to avoid what is starting to seem inevitable, the loss of everything that matters, everything I've worked for over thirty-odd years. How did I get myself into this mess? I feel so stupid and worthless. It just hurts so much to have failed so dismally, failed my family, failed myself. I'm trying so hard not to cry, that would be pathetic, but I don't know if I can stop myself.
Sorry.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
It sure seems to me that you are just winding yourself up unnecessarily. You are constantly focusing on particular parts of your life and personality when that is obviously not a healthy thing to be doing. I think you are blowing things out of proportion and letting them take over your consciousness when really they should just be a small part of your overall thinking. You need to learn to get your mind on other things. I think an uninvolved observer who analyzed your life would categorize your fears as minor and not something to be so worried about. Find a hobby or something else to divert your thoughts to, something more useful and less destructive.
ReplyDeleteHello Brian
ReplyDeleteI suspect that you're thinking that this post is about something other than its actual subject matter. The problems I'm facing are anything but minor, and very difficult to cope with at the moment. And I don't see a short-term solution, either.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Dear Sammy
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what to say about this. I assume you're referring to your financial situation - but you sounded somewhat more positive about it a few days ago. Has something changed?
Anyway, whatever's happening, I'm thinking of you.
*hugs*
Mark
Sammy,
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned a good way to start to deal with everything: therapy. Time to visit the dreaded NHS. When you get to this point, it's time to find a pro to help.
Peace <3
Jay
Hello Mark & Jay
ReplyDeleteThe immediate crisis has passed, to some extent - for reasons I'm not readily able to explain, it all seemed impossibly overwhelming yesterday. The only thing I can sensibly do is to carry on doing what I'm doing, in the hope of keeping the ship afloat. If it really all does fall down eventually, no-one will have died - it's only money, ultimately, and we'll just have to deal with where that leaves us at that point.
Thank you, as ever, for your friendship and support.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B