....but not able to move from the same spot. It's like my foot has fallen through the rotten floorboards of my life, and now it's inextricably trapped. No matter how I choose to rationalise or justify myself to myself, no matter how I try to paint myself as a moral individual manfully struggling to prevent my proclivities from spilling over in such a way that someone else will get hurt in the fallout, it doesn't change the fundamental point. I am, in the eyes of the world, a 'paedophile', and no amount of argument, however cogent, on my part is going to change a single person's mind on that subject. No 'normal' person would be sexually attracted to 11, 12, 13, 14 year old boys, they would say, how can I argue against that? I'm not welcome in 'their' society. And never will be. No future except unbroken vistas of deception and lies, just to be able to live my everyday life. What's the point?
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Hi Sammy;
ReplyDeleteI so love to come visit. I am concerned, though. You are so heartwrenchingly honest in your writing at times and I grow concerned that in your self-flagellation you will do even greater harm. I think I understand some of your feelings of being trapped and the stress it puts on your life. But, if I can say, having an attraction that is unable to be exercised or exorcised does not make you a monster. Your heart beats for love and hope, let it begin by loving and having great hope for the man in the shaving mirror. The desires of your heart are not something you can simply will away, but what you can do is accept that they are there and that the heart beats in the chest of a good man.
I send love and hope;
randy.
Hello Randy
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment, and your concern. There are more good days than bad days in my life, usually, but there's a lot going on at the moment, and it seems to be taking a lot less than would normally be the case to disturb my equilibrium. This post kind of grew out of the previous one, but it is, as you suggest, an honest illustration of how I was feeling 9 or 10 hours ago. These feelings come and go, though, I don't spend my entire life obsessing about them, I'm a past master at 'winding my neck in', as they say in the part of northern England where we used to live, and getting on with life - I've had decades, literally, of practice.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Believe me, Sammy, I know where you're coming from. Just being gay when you're involved with one of the most homophobic youth groups is enough to keep your neck wound in. 30 years of hiding was enough for me. But I understand where you're coming from completely. I echo Randy's thoughts. I, too, send love and hope...
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay