For someone who prides himself on being relatively intelligent, I've done two particularly stupid things in the last 24 hours, both in connection with my attraction to boys. Actually, I suppose, I've done one stupid thing, and come within an ace of adding a second. The one I've actually done was in downloading something I shouldn't have, and then compounding the idiocy by looking through the whole thing before I came to my senses and deleted it - it wasn't pornography, but it was, to be as charitable to myself as I can, dubious, certainly something that could draw very unwelcome attention to myself, if nothing worse, and for what? A bit of eye candy. Moronic.
The 'near miss' was letting my tongue almost run away with me while I was talking to my wife, when the 'What do I want in life?' kind of question cropped up. It was a bit like the conversational equivalent of a 'Road Runner' cartoon, where I was hurtling towards the edge of a precipice, but screeched to a halt just in time, before saying anything unequivocal. And again, for what? To purge my conscience of all the deceit, at best, at the cost, almost certainly, of everything else collapsing into dust. I know this kind of thing has cropped up before, and it has led me to speculate that, maybe, there's something subconscious, or perhaps not so subconscious, in me that wants all of this to come out into the open, and be dealt with by whatever means, rather than churning away under the surface making me ever more screwed up. Maybe the time is coming closer when I need to talk to someone about all of this, in some kind of therapeutic setting, before I do something uncontrolled, even if it is only a verbal outburst. I certainly need to think about the implications, before I do hang myself, figuratively, if not literally.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Seeing a therapist is not a bad idea, Sammy. You can always hide it with wanting to sort out the disarray your life is in. Give it a try. One thing is for sure, it can't hurt, and it's 100% confidential.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Jay has a point there, and what's the worst thing therapy could bring? At the very least it'd be a vent.
ReplyDelete-JJ
Personally I wouldn't touch a therapist with a barge pole - from what you've said.
ReplyDeleteWhat you need is someone who understands where you're coming from.
I'm quite happy to help if you want to talk my email (at least to start with).
As many in blog world know I used to work in gay rights for my living and have met a heck of a lot of sorts and conditions of people - gay and otherwise.
Hello Jay, JJ & Micky
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your feedback - I need to think seriously about where I go next, because my struggles with my inner demons are causing me far more problems than, say, two years ago. DBJ was probably the catalyst, not that there's any blame attached to him, he was nothing but an unwitting passer-by who I became more than a little obsessed with.
Micky - Thank you very much for your offer, I'll certainly bear it in mind. I have considerable dubiety about counselling/therapy, because my 'problem' is such an emotive issue that even professional detachment might be compromised - or is that just paranoia?
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hi there, Sammy
ReplyDeleteI can understand your need (subconscious or not) to be open about yourself - I think you share that with most people who have been "in the closet", for whatever reason. The freedom to talk openly with even one person can be a great relief.
I'm in two minds about the effectiveness of professional therapy - not necessarily because of concerns about professional detachment (though I can see that's an important issue for you), but because very often it seems to offer little more than I think a concerned, sympathetic and thoughtful friend should be able to. Nevertheless, I can see some advantages in professional training.
I'm happy to talk, as ever; and even if I don't say much here, sometimes, I'm still mindful of what you're going through.
Take care
Mark
Hello Mark
ReplyDeleteI really would like to be myself without fear, but it's so difficult on two levels - the degree to which my sexual predilections are hated by so many, and what I've got to lose from a personal, family perspective by being 'outed', either deliberately or accidentally.
Thank you for your friendship and support, it means a great deal to me.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
I think that if you are into women's clothes and you know your 'confident' is also interested then you don't have to get over that hurdle to begin talking.
ReplyDeleteAn interest and love for boys can be a similar barrier to understanding and without that being shared I don't see how the rest is ever reachable.
I have heard so many people be 'understanding and fully accepting' over as simple a thing as being gay - but give me a person who is gay to discuss my psycho-babble any day!
Hello Micky
ReplyDeleteI have no doubt that you're right, and I'm sure the same goes for the discussion of any kind of problem. Having hidden for so long, though, the first hurdle I have to overcome is opening up at all, this blog being the first step in that direction. What the next step will be is still undecided.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B