Stupid, that is, even to have hoped something would work out vaguely to my advantage. I went down to see the accommodation this afternoon, all very nice and civilised - and almost double what I could afford to pay. Another kick in the teeth from life, just what I needed. I might just as well have stayed in my old job and taken my heart attack like a man - at least I would've seen DBJ every now and again.
I'm left feeling not so much depressed as dejected, apathetic, beaten down. No doubt it all sounds a bit melodramatic when all that's happened is my seeing a place I can't afford, but it just seems symptomatic of where my life is at. No-one can expect to have everything they want in life, that would just be greedy and selfish, but not to have anything of what you really want is all rather soul-destroying.
I don't know where I'm going to go from here - I don't even know if I want to carry on with the blog.
A cute boy in my arms for an hour, then curl up and let the tide wash me away - even that's an impossible daydream.
Thank you all for your patience in the face of my relentless self-pity.
Later.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Sammy,
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I've been there. So many times it just seems like there is no end in sight, or at least a desirable one.
I hope you find the blog a release, a place where it's ok to vent, to wallow in self-pity if you so desire. Your friends here aren't going to disappear because you're sad. That's why we're here, to give some support to let you know you're not alone. We do care.
Good luck finding accommodation you can afford. I know I've looked and looked and looked, and lived in some pretty much sh!tholes because of economics.
Peace <3
Jay
Yeah? But there are lots of places out there and if you want to go and see some you can afford why don't you ask the price before you go there so that this doesn't happen again?
ReplyDeleteYou know it makes sense. (oh fuck, that's from some poxy advertising campaign.)
Hello Jay
ReplyDeleteThe best aspect of my experience in blogland has been the caring people I've come into contact with, and that's something I genuinely appreciate. Thank you for your continuing support.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hello Micky
ReplyDeleteThe problem yesterday, as far as I can analyse it, wasn't just a case of a fruitless trip to see some accommodation, it was the way that a situation that looked as though it would fall into place for once in my life, the 'serendipity' of Monday's post, turned out to be illusory. As a standalone incident, it was minor, if not downright trivial. As a reminder of the mess my life is in at the moment, it was rather more significant.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B