That sums up today in a nutshell. I spent a very cold and uncomfortable night last night, slept abysmally, and I've spent the whole of today feeling absolutely crap as a result. Despite promising myself I wasn't going to do it this week, I've ended up at my brother's again - he keeps telling me, and has again this evening, that I'm always welcome, and I'm really grateful to him, but I just feel like I'm being a complete imposition on him and his family. I guess it's because I've always prided myself on being independent, so that even the generosity of family and friends seems to me like I'm scrounging and/or taking advantage of other people's good nature. Too much pride, and too little self-esteem, perhaps.
So, it's an early night for me - I'll have to be up and about early in the morning, but at least I'll have had a warm and comfortable eight hours in the interim. If only I could convince myself that I'm worthy of it, it would be a psychological as well as physiological benefit.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
I spent 5 months living in a friend's house. I always felt like I was imposing even though I was paying at least minimal rent. Nearly ruined our friendship, though I put most of the blame on the whacked out girlfriend he moved in with us (and only lasted about 2 months). I spent a lot of time hiding in the bedroom. But Sammy, big diff here...he's your brother, he's helping out...siblings are like that, and you're worth it to him!
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hi there, Sammy
ReplyDeleteYou're a human being, which means you deserve a decent and comfortable place to get as a good night's sleep as you can. I'm sure your brother is doing for you just what you would do for him, if your situations were reversed.
Take care
Mark
Hello Jay and Mark
ReplyDeleteThe problem certainly isn't with my brother, it's between my ears - I find the idea of dependence, even dependence on kindly and freely given generosity, hard to deal with. It makes me feel as though I'm taking advantage of people, even if they don't see it that way, and it also feels like a failure on my part that I'm in a situation where I need this kind of help. Of course, if the positions were reversed, I'd have no hesitation in reciprocating, but that doesn't salve my conscience sufficiently. Like I say, it's all about me and my outlook on life, there's no criticism of anyone else.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B