False. Self. Easy.

I was playing a word game on the computer earlier this morning, making words up from a longer word (Text Twist, if anyone knows it). When the time ran out on one of the rounds, there were three words left that I hadn't found - the three in the title of this post. Seeing them there, highlighted, made me laugh wryly, almost bitterly. Because, from my experience, there's little that's less easy than portraying a false self to the world. It's not just the grinding negativity of it all, the not being able to speak out when you want to, the not being able to be honest with the world, and, particularly, with those close to you, the sheer not being able to be yourself of it all, there's also the absent positive to contend with, an absence which has been becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with over the past couple of years. I know there are people who would say that I should be satisfied with what I have, that I'm far better off than many, and that's true to an extent, but when you've spent so long in hiding, even from myself at times, there comes a point when it's almost unbearable.
There are a couple of bloggers of around my age who are in the throes of coming out at the moment, and I wish them every success and happiness - if only that was a viable option for me. If I was, to reuse a slightly discriminatory sounding phrase I've used before, 'conventionally gay', I'd almost certainly do it, but because my tastes lie elsewhere, way beyond the pale for most people, I haven't, up to now at least, reached a pitch where I could justify taking such a risk to myself. How much of a risk? Judging by the horrible, self-righteous gloating of some of my work colleagues a couple of days ago in connection with someone who worked where I now work several years ago, and who has recently received a long custodial sentence for sexual offences against his stepdaughter, too much of a risk. They were openly advocating his being raped by all and sundry in prison - I'm sorry, but I don't believe anyone, whoever they are and whatever they've done, deserves to be raped for any reason at all, even if they are a rapist themselves.
I've got to get ready for work now, but I might well revisit this subject later.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B