Tuesday 31 May 2011

Self-esteem

I've always been seriously overweight. All my life. It runs on both sides of my family, at least two generations back. Like most overweight people, I've been on diets, some voluntarily, some imposed on me. Just over twenty years ago, I decided, of my own volition, that I was going to make a serious effort to lose a significant amount of weight. And I succeeded. In a little over a year, I lost something like 8 stones (around 50kg, for those of you who deal in Metric). But the diet was still a complete failure. Why? Because I undertook it not for the good of my physical health, but to try and make me feel better about myself. And after all the effort and sacrifice, my self-esteem was still just as non-existent as it had been before.
For something that's been ongoing for a similar length of time, I'm getting the feeling that this blog (and 'Cuckoos', for that matter) is heading the same way. There were various things I felt I wanted to achieve when I started blogging, but one of the most important was to be able to express my feelings in a forum where I felt safer than speaking face to face to a real life person, to try to come to terms with aspects of my character and psyche that I'd been struggling with for years and years.. And I'm afraid I have to conclude that, like my diet, I've abjectly failed in that regard. The feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness are, if anything, more entrenched than ever. The pain and frustration, the lies and deceit, the sheer bloody hopelessness of it all, just won't go away. Any logical person would no doubt say it's because what I want is simply not obtainable.
While I was typing the last paragraph, Planet Rock played a song I really like, All Fired Up by Pat Benatar. It's a very optimistic song, and I usually particularly like the lines 'I believe there comes a time/ Where everything just falls in line'. Just at the moment, though, hearing that song seems like some kind of cruel joke.
I know I've said this before, but I really don't know at the moment whether I'll carry on with the blogs, or even whether I should. The balance of probability is that I will, because of my 'hoarder' personality. If I do, it will probably be another victory for vain hopes over common sense. If I don't, thank you all for reading.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

3 comments:

  1. What else would you do with your time away from home? Blogging gives you something to do, even if it's not accomplishing all you wanted. If you have something better or more satisfying to do with the time you spend blogging, then go for it. Otherwise, keep writing and enjoy it.

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  2. I think you've hit at least one nail on the head: what you desire is unobtainable. So rather than sit and stew in abject isolation, at least let us be a part of your life, because in many ways, we've all faced or are facing our own demons, and in that respect, you know we respect you, and will be here to listen, even if you just ramble. I'm not sure why you feel like you're a failure here. You've certainly found a non-judgmental place to talk about your feelings and really, innermost thoughts. I hope you decide to stick around, perhaps new things will come of it!
    Peace <3
    Jay

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  3. Hello Brian & Jay
    Thank you both for your comments. I still haven't decided where, if anywhere, I'm going next with all of this. I haven't even worked out what's sensible or realistic. Hopefully I'll find some way of progressing soon.

    Love & best wishes
    Sammy B

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