Self-esteem

I've always been seriously overweight. All my life. It runs on both sides of my family, at least two generations back. Like most overweight people, I've been on diets, some voluntarily, some imposed on me. Just over twenty years ago, I decided, of my own volition, that I was going to make a serious effort to lose a significant amount of weight. And I succeeded. In a little over a year, I lost something like 8 stones (around 50kg, for those of you who deal in Metric). But the diet was still a complete failure. Why? Because I undertook it not for the good of my physical health, but to try and make me feel better about myself. And after all the effort and sacrifice, my self-esteem was still just as non-existent as it had been before.
For something that's been ongoing for a similar length of time, I'm getting the feeling that this blog (and 'Cuckoos', for that matter) is heading the same way. There were various things I felt I wanted to achieve when I started blogging, but one of the most important was to be able to express my feelings in a forum where I felt safer than speaking face to face to a real life person, to try to come to terms with aspects of my character and psyche that I'd been struggling with for years and years.. And I'm afraid I have to conclude that, like my diet, I've abjectly failed in that regard. The feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness are, if anything, more entrenched than ever. The pain and frustration, the lies and deceit, the sheer bloody hopelessness of it all, just won't go away. Any logical person would no doubt say it's because what I want is simply not obtainable.
While I was typing the last paragraph, Planet Rock played a song I really like, All Fired Up by Pat Benatar. It's a very optimistic song, and I usually particularly like the lines 'I believe there comes a time/ Where everything just falls in line'. Just at the moment, though, hearing that song seems like some kind of cruel joke.
I know I've said this before, but I really don't know at the moment whether I'll carry on with the blogs, or even whether I should. The balance of probability is that I will, because of my 'hoarder' personality. If I do, it will probably be another victory for vain hopes over common sense. If I don't, thank you all for reading.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B