In the previous post, I mused about why I'd suppressed my memories of M. The way I feel now, perhaps, answers that question. Because writing about him, and obviously, thereby, thinking about him, makes me realise how much it hurts, really hurts, never to have had what I most want, have most wanted for nearly 40 years - a boy to love who loves me back. M almost certainly wouldn't have been the one, and, anyway, it's my fault I'm unhappy, wanting what I want in the face of all the perfectly good reasons why people say it's wrong. But, even knowing I'm wrong, I can't help it, I want it so much, and knowing I'll never have it, in any foreseeable circumstances, just rips me up inside. This isn't, at all, about sex - it's about love. And its absence.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Hi Sammy,
ReplyDeleteSo, hypothetically speaking...
What happens in your 'para-world' when para-M outgrows your 'age of attraction?'
Do you just dump him?
(hopefully, you at least give him a para-chute...lol!)
:-)
-Andy
(More...)
ReplyDeleteWell, you know, you speak of the "absence of love," but you HAVE the love of you daughter and wife!!!
Why isn't that good enough?
Why can't you accept your circumstances, or at least try to change them within legally/socially acceptable boundries?
That you've "painted yourself into a corner" is a construct of your own troubled mind.
I do wish you would seek professional help...what you're doing is not healthy, and you owe it to others to be as healthy mentally/physically as you can be.
Why not focus on THAT?
:-)
-Andy
Hello Andy
ReplyDeleteWhat you suggest I do, effectively grin and bear it, is what I've been doing for the whole of my adult life. Over the past couple of years, though, the 'absent positive' seems to have been much more of a problem than hitherto. Why? Probably several reasons, pressures of work and home, falling in love with DBJ, albeit totally one-sidedly, but, perhaps most of all, the cumulative dissatisfaction of living a lie for so many years reaching a threshold where it has become difficult for me to sustain.
As far as professional help goes, I've said before I don't need to spend money I can ill-afford to be told I'm a worthless pervert. The only time I'd consider it would be if I was in serious danger of hurting anyone - apart from myself, which is irrelevant - which, currently, I'm not.
And no, I wouldn't have dumped M, any more than I dumped my cousin when he got older - love is far more important, and longer-lasting, than any sexual attraction.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
OK...
ReplyDeleteYou say, " love is far more important, and longer-lasting, than any sexual attraction," on the one hand.
Then you profess to being attracted to only pubescent boys.
This is a bit of a contradiction, eh?
Now, another hypothetical:
Assuming you are unattached (no wife, no kids.)
Now suppose it is the year 2000, and M shows up and throws himself at you...do you reject him because he is too old?
What if some equally-attractive stranger did the same, do you reject him as well?
:-)
-Andy
Hello Andy
ReplyDeleteTo repeat myself a little, I can't be anyone but me. That me has, as you say, a pretty much exclusive sexual attraction to pubescent boys. In earlier phases of my life, I've had varying degrees of attraction to (adult) females, too, but I've never, in my life, been attracted to men. Not a single one, ever. So if M, in his late twenties as he would have been in 2000, had approached me in that way, it's very likely I would have rejected him. Had I started a relationship with him when he was 16 going on 13, though, when I first met him, and knowing my personality as I do - after all, if I don't, no-one does - the emotional commitment would have remained, even if the sexual attraction had waned. I've been 'in love' - that means different things to different people, I know, so I can only use it as I understand it - with 8 or 9 people in my life, with roughly a 50/50 gender split, and, even in the case of the two individuals (one male, one female) who have treated me badly, I haven't 'fallen out of love' with any of them. If any of them asked me for help or support, I'd do anything I was able to.
If this still sounds illogical or contradictory, all I can do is apologise. I am what I am - a boylover, who has been bisexual up to a point in my life, and one for whom the love is more important than the sex. The one consistent thing in my emotional life, though, has been the boys, right back to when I was a boy myself.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B